I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
