his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Randomize
