I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Randomize
