tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
