I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I love having hate sex.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Randomize
