I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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