My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
