i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
