all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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