I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
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