I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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