1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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