What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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