watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV