he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Randomize
