you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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