Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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