Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
Randomize
