I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
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