just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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