yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
