ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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