I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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