i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
