Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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