how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Never joke about your clitoris.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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