I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
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