nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Randomize
