Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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