Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
