At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
