chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize