Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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