i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
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And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
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I still have a scar from the last time she gave me a handjob. There is NO WAY i'll stick my dick anywhere near her again
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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