the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Randomize
