Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
You are a genius and a whore.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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