what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
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i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
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I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
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