I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
