I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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