I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
wow bdsm is so cute
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