there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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