Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
