dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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