What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
