LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
