Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
