I am puke
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
