u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
