Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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