Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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