Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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