he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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