I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
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