I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
