My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
