Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Randomize
