Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
please come you make the beer taste better
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Randomize
