Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Randomize
