i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
She just used a chaser for red wine.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Randomize
