Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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