Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
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