I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
