just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
Randomize
