imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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