at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
