There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Randomize
